heartbroken ?

i don`t know what to do. i don't want to ever be this sad anymore. i can't handle it on top of my parents splitting - friends hating me - job being boring - life being confusing & guys being jerks / getting hurt. i just want to be alone, maybe not forever - maybe not for long. i just can't deal with this stress anymore. i'm trying so hard, hard enough to make you happy. but i can't do it anymore. i can't do anything i`m always sad now and i can't help it. you always say you'll change but i don't see any progress if anything it`s worse. i`m hurt enough already.

WANT WANT WANT

TO BUILD A BEAR @ BUILD-A-BEAR, new nice camera, new camera just for fun (not too expensive), new friends, to move out and get away from stinky delta, move to the states because it's so darn cheap. tan like theres no tomorrow, not have to work and boring old save-on, be more friendly and out going. get a gorgeous grad dress that no one else will have but still looks good, put up my new mirror in my room without breaking it or the wall, to get a small 4" plant without killing it and re-plant it next year or something, to hangout with curtis <3, to get more blog followers, to be a super star actually wait i just want the money so i can shop (= OH AND BUBBLE TEAAAAAAAA

NOTES ON THE STATES

- Erica is an angry driver when she has no car gas, wait nevermind she's always angry.
- "pop" always follows with an angry word in erica's world
- don't say you'll buy something for someone if you actually can't find it
- lose the temptation of buying $3 icecream containers, they melt in this heat
- happiness is in buying mirrors, and trying on dresses in ross (=
- don't over pack clothing, you might need to wear some - so you don't get charged
- BECAUSE we are Canadian WE GET NO TAX on certain stores *cough ross *
- but lastly going to the states with your sister and best friend, is worth every second.

I FOUND ANOTHER LOVE.

the sunshine has just made it into my love list. & it's pretty hard to get there (= WELL NOW I`M OFF TO TAN WITH MY BEST FRIEND ASHLIEGH ! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i like tanning as well but i don't love it.

THANKS FOR THE FOLLOW CURTIS COULTHARD

The rest of your life is a long time, and whether you know it or not it's being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices or you can fight back. Things are always not going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is but for the most part you get what you give. Let me ask you a question - what's worse: not getting everything you wish for or getting it, and finding out it's not enough. The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now. the choices we make can define the rest of our days. 

JUST NOTICED.

i hate it when people aren`t on time. i`m one of those people that either is early or on time. a few of my friends / people i know are really laid back ...and i hate it. and i also hate when people can`t make up their mind / make decisions. holy macaroni . sometimes i wish i could just smack the decisions into them.

PHOTOGRAPHY

a few months ago i broke my really awesome camera , which lasted me around 2 years. i need a new one and i have no idea which one to buy so i'm looking around. i'm not sure if i want a really nice one that'll be used occasionally, or just an easy cheaper one that works well but can be taken around to events that are more rowdy. but the main point is that i wanna take really nice pictures and make it a hobbie, to keep me busy (=

FRUSTRATED MONICA.

the stress and angry that is building up in me is making me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. and not the mad as in a mad cow - but as a mad mad woman.
- you came to hangout with jayden, not me SO LEAVE ME ALONE.
- you need to start eating and make some GOD DAMN DECISIONS.
- sunday the 11th = the day we find out
- work is so boring lately : i swear i need a new job that`s more exciting.
- i'm starting to gain weight, and people are noticing. (stretch marks)
- my fish is anorexic , and suicidal
- my parents are almost for sure splitting , but it`s not really the fact they are - its that they want me to choose sides.
- stop inviting yourself over. it`s annoying.
- my style is boring, or as my sister says "LG" and i need to get a new style
- my hair is greasy almost all the time and my face is breaking out because i`m stressed
- i need to get a good tan or i`ll be all gross and white all year
- almost all my close friends don't like me , for no real reason..that i know of..?
i don`t know there's probably a lot more it`s just overwhelming.

MUSIC SELECTION

hold on - lazee feat neverstore
ghost - fefe dobson
one night in bankok - global deejays
waka waka - shakira
maniac - girlicious
somebody to love - justin bieber
i like it - enrique iglesias + pitbull
one life stand - ian longo (ian carey remix)
escape me - tiësto feat. cc sheffield

wooowwwwwwwwwwwuuuuuuuuh.

i just figured out you could put pictures up = faiiiil (=
these ladies are my friends, the ones that still kinda like me
one on the left is andrea , the one in the middle is moi and the right - bffl ashliegh (=

RANDOM THOUGHTS

- i've just decided that music helps me through everything. recently i've been trying to stay away from sad or slow music to keep me happy
- i've decided i don't have very good friends, and that if they want to be MY friend they can put in the effort - why should i have to ?
- i think spanish online is going to be awesome, or scary not sure yet
- can't wait till i go to curtis' house for a sleepover, hopefully i'm allowed - i hope his family likes mini roses
- is sick of people judging me because of my age - STUPID work.
- wedding shows on slice and tlc are my fave.
- i love old people, i should get a job in an elderly home

NEXT YEAR - FUN OR FAIL ?

i'm not quiet sure if next year (grade 12) will be awesome or stupid. my courses are okay, but i failed french & if i were to take it again next year, i'd get a whole set of new teachers and the order of my blocks would be switched around - but i might need it for post secondary cause i don't know where i wanna go with life. sometimes i go to bed thinking next year will be academically harder? sometimes i wonder will i make better friends or even more friends ? i also wonder if i'll even have a good year.. sometimes i wonder what the last two nights of grad are going to be like for me - who i'm going with, who's in my limo, what i'm going to wear, and what i'm going to do. sometimes i wonder even if i'll go to any grad parties - not that i'd ever be invited, because i don't drink : will that change ? i have a limited amount of friends at the moment, because of stupid drama wait actually i have no idea why they hate me ? i wonder a lot but i honestly think if things stay the same way they are right now - i probably won't have much fun at grad : the real party would be AFTER i graduate, with my NEW start on life.

GRADUATION ISSUES.

graduation is a huge thing, and can turn out to be a tragedy. if you put too much stress upon yourself you'll be for sure a victim of a major breakdown. things that can go wrong: having to set up the limo ride, the people in the limo, figure/get all the money from them, doing your friends makeup/hair, having to do your own, paying off your parents or getting money for the dress / hair / nails & hoping it doesn't go wrong. having to deal with last minute cancels, grad dates getting sick , people drinking stupidly, not having enough time etc. if that happens you're going to have the worst grad ever, but to handle this stress just say NO. it's stupid how much pressure can be put on one person, share the reponsibilities equal.. and in the end hopefully and wish things go right. no ones going to have a PERFECT grad - somethings most likely going to go wrong.

WHAT TO DO ?

in a dilemma , i don't know what to do anymore. how do i fix things back to what they were ? what happens if this doesn't go away, what are we going to do ? i'm scared , this will ruin us. i can't handle all this pressure. i'm scared that this will push me apart from you cause i'm scared it'll happen again. and if it doesn't that i won't be able to stop it next time. we've done it so many times, how are we supposed to stop ? i can't stop being upset anymore , i don't know how to fix things.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

i love how you listen to good music, how you`re completely & totally awesome, how watching your msn bubble pop up on msn makes me happy, “when your mad”, busing here to see mee, how you can deal with me & my flaws, how you smell amazingg, your weird sense of humor, how comfy you areee, being easy to talk to / always there, how i just lost the game & so did you , how we can be chilling & doing nothing but still have fun, holding hands / hugs / kisses, “not” being ticklish anywhere, getting help with my homework, penelope enda & robert, how most songs remind me of you, how you read all my quizes , how great your memory is & mine isn`t, how you can make me smile no matter what, how you`re so loyal and trustworthy, waking up next to you, your mad sounding voice on the phone, your grammer corrections, how amazing you smell, beatin on each other, how you can deal with my family, how awesome your family is, watching movies together like starwars or bolt , how you like knowing things & care alot, laughing @ things that aren`t funny ” in bed “, redrobin, “go make me a sammich”, “just choking” , when you make promises you keep them, hanging out every day/not getting sick of one another, how you go with me for bubble tea when noone else will, the cute things you say ; even if they are really tiny, how you put ( L ) , when you twitch, your smile, how you`re up for doing anything, how i could never get sick or bored of you , how you own @ rockband / guitar / other games, how we can be laying there doing nothing & yet still be so happy, how you “don`t have feelings”, spending the night & just chilling, how you make me feel special,
& for the little time we`ve been going out you mean the world to me, ♥